The Human Disco Ball

A creators journey back to confidence

During this past year and a half I have wondered if I’m still in love with coaching and teaching as much as I was before. Each event felt like a bit of a temperature test. Did I still felt that high I always experienced witnessing women begin to connect to their bodies and sensuality for the first time? Each time I taught I got that same zing in my hips and fullness in my heart. Yet, I felt defeated from years of underpricing myself, making concessions and convincing myself that I can’t sustain my life on this work. Then there was Social Media making what I loved feel like a lightweight version of what I knew was actually possible in those circles.

I showed up to my Puerto Rico retreat ready but not really sure what was going to happen once we actually got there. The last year and a half I only kept on one private client and focused on doing a few workshops in LA and planning two retreats - one in Ohio and the other returning to Puerto Rico. If this doesn’t sound like cutting back to you, believe me it was for me. I am notorious for running online series while having multiple private coaching clients, recording a podcast and trying to keep up with a blog. So a few workshops, a private client, two retreats and a private birthday party was definitely me laying low.

By the time the wheels hit the tarmac at San Juan airport, I trusted that my body and I were going to lead one super powerful retreat. How did I know though? How did I go from feeling like I didn’t have it in me to feeling like I was ready to trust myself and my body to lead the way?

I knew I was ready to lead from this place of freedom and flow because years and years of body work taught me to. Sensual movement was not just the thing I did to feel sexy but it was also the thing that made me feel deeply connected to myself, my abilities, my shadows, and most importantly, it made me feel so fucking ALIVE. Slowing down so much when I dance that I have learned what it means when my jaw clenches or my body feels heavy - that’s my NO. When my belly feels soft and at ease, expansive energy spreading through my hips like warm honey - that’s my YES. Sensuality taught me that.

Sara had been my student since my very first Pure Mvmnt sensuality series 10 years ago. She has seen and experienced multiple iterations of my work and seen me change and grow along with my vision. It was Sara that saw my light come fully back on at the retreat. It was our final night in Puerto Rico and we were gathered in the first floor of the house we affectionately called the Grotto.

The coqui frogs were singing full out and the rain had just begun to fall. The candles were spread throughout the space creating a warm glow and soft shadows on the walls. I’d just guided the women into the most deliciously sensual warm up and now it was time to dance. As each woman heard her song play out over the speakers I could see her body melt into the rhythms, melodies and beats she had chosen as her last dance. It was magical to witness and it ALWAYS is. The energy in the room was palpable. It was overflowing with the desire, the joy, the pure unapologetic sensuality and fierce freedom of these gorgeous divine women. It was in the midst of this intoxicating circle of goddesses moving their hips with no apology that Sara spotted me. In her words “You were lit up like a human disco ball.” And she was so fucking spot on with that because that’s exactly what I was experiencing.

I was the disco ball reflecting the light of every woman in the room right back at them.

After the retreat, I gifted myself a few days alone in Puerto Rico to integrate all that had happened in just 4 nights. After talking non-stop and holding space for others it was so peaceful to hear nothing but the waves outside my window. I took walks on the beach, slept in and gazed for hours at the ocean and the sunset. There was only one question I was feeling for an answer for. Was this still what I wanted to do?

Yes. Yes it was because what that time alone helped me to see was it actually never was the sensual movement or coaching that was the problem. It was getting to the women who wanted and needed what I had to offer, fighting with an algorithm and an increasingly noisy sensual embodiment space that was the most draining and relentlessly shitty part. What I teach is hard to package into something neat and repeatable in a 30 -60 second video. Holding shame free space to allow women to move as freely as they want in their body is one of the MOST empowering modalities I have ever experienced and yet, to try and break down what that means on a platform built for quick info drops and visual stimulation is my content creation nightmare.

That last retreat reminded me that beyond the posting, the stories, the newsletter, the podcast -there are women who want to hear and experience more from me. Because they don’t see my post or the newsletter gets stuck in spam doesn’t mean they are not looking for what I have to share.

I didn’t learn this in a weekend certification and it’s been my passion and my mission long before Divine Feminine this, and somatic embodiment that started trending. I help women stop performing their lives and start inhabiting them through sensual erotic movement, body wisdom, and transformational coaching. And that will always be the case because what I have to share is bigger than me and is definitely bigger than the goddamn algorithm.

Photo by Vadim Yefremov on Unsplash